Welcome to the first edition of Defending the Indefensible, where we argue on behalf of movies, music, and television shows – or most ANYTHING that most people hate.
We’re dumpster diver types (not really) and children of the 80s where any shitty movie in the bargain VHS bin could be a little beautiful turd blossom of a movie that you never would have considered before.
We can’t guarantee turd blossoms. We may not change your mind – And feel free to tell us if you think it still sucks in the chat reply – but we hope you can see a little something good in the horrible. We start with something recent, and amongst geeks probably more than 50% reviled.
It involves powerhouses – LEGENDS – doing something once thought perfect, inviolable. A very famous rape scene exists involving what the geek community thought in the aftermath of this film’s release…
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
We chose this one for a reason, and in a way, its about Humility. With a Capital H.
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| Indy: What the fuck are you doing here?! |
We tend to pride ourselves on making good arguments for these things as you’ll see in later installments. But, we can’t turn a blind eye to this movie’s problems. Let’s get them out of the way right now, shall we? –
The Bad
Shia LaBeouf, god bless his efforts cause I don’t think he’s such a bad guy, shouldn’t have been in this movie. Nothing against Shia – his character shouldn’t have been in this movie. Definitely not swinging with fucking monkeys (clearly a George Lucas insistence. Only he would be so insane).
Also, George Lucas. This man is either so ballsy and cruel he’s fucking with the entire world of people who loved his previous works because he can’t possibly become poor before he dies, or he’s gone insane. Like seriously – crazy as a cat shitting on hot concrete in the Summertime kind of insane.
Steven Spielberg has a valid reason for being part of the bad that we’ll explain at the very end of this article. But, he shot this with all of the imagination, love and passion for the material as he would a commercial for Wal-Mart.
The GOOD
INDY IS BACK! Look at this picture for a moment. That’s the Indy we know, isn’t it? Sure, he’s older, clothes are shabby in this shot. But, that’s the Indiana that threatened an entire Nazi platoon with a single bazooka. Who traveled on a submarine for god knows how many miles – on the outside.
That picture is the Indy we know – tired, sweat-stained, and with annoyed smirk like you’re really pissing him off and he’s going to find a way to kill you soon.
One of the greatest joys of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was seeing Indiana Jones in action again. With practical effects like real stuntmen and sets instead of digital creations on computer backdrops, the opening fight/chase scene of KotCS is one of the best in Indy history.
Furthermore, despite their advancing years the fun of seeing Indy and Marion Ravenwood’s banter again is spot on, like they haven’t missed a beat. It was a word that you will read later – FUN.
And then there is that god damned Fridge.
Nuke the Motherfucking Fridge
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| A sought-after item I'm sure... |
It’s fair to say that ‘Nuke the Fridge’ became synonymous with ‘Jump the Shark’, but with a subtext of sheer excrement implied.
But, one part of the appeal we will go into later is that it’s Indiana Jones in the 1950s, the Nuclear Age. That’s right folks – in case the rock music and the teeny boppers in the opening credits didn’t clue you in, this movie is a 50s pastiche. No less than Temple of Doom with its 1930s Busby Berkeley performance of ‘Anything Goes’, or battling the Nazis for the fate of the world in the 1940s.
To have Indiana Jones in the 1950s and not come face to face with the ultimate post-nuclear death trap would have been a disservice to Indy who can get out of death traps with only a bull whip and wits – no utility belt, no CTU.
Okay, granted – the means of escaping and surviving a nuclear weapon of that yield without being blown to bits or dying immediately of radiation poison is untrammeled bullshit. But is it really more implausible than a gigantic boulder rolling on ancient Mayan Hot Wheels tracks? Or a large cult of Kali Worshippers during the British Raj that weren’t all brutally executed by the English?
Indiana Jones is about suspension of disbelief for one purpose – Fun.
And maybe it was so stupid it wasn’t fun for you. You’re entitled to your opinion. But that shot at the end, where Indy stands in front of a mushroom cloud? That was Awesome, wasn’t it?
Indiana Jones coming to terms with the dawn of the Nuclear age. Fantastic images. Sometimes that’s all the ‘point’ I need.
Alien-ation
Youseewhatididthere?
I remember being on different websites listening to how lamentable it was that Indiana Jones’ quarry in the new movie was going to be Aliens. Obviously, this was never official, but in the years since the last Indy movie, its tough to keep a secret that big.
Quoting Silentrascal’s Epinions.com review from 6/2008 reads, “The sci-fi aspect of the storyline (which was already dull to begin with) was again something that just did not fit with the atmosphere or world of Indiana Jones. We’re used to him going after religious artifacts of mysterious power and the item in this film was completely different than what we’re used to, and it wasn’t in a good way. I could have cared less about it.”
That sums up the most logical problems most people have had with the fact that this was about aliens – or ‘extra-dimensional beings’ as George Lucas bullshat to Spielberg in a DVD extra – instead of some other ancient artifact. My defense to that is simple –
How the fuck many other ancient artifacts are there left? Also, keep in mind – George Lucas is fuck nuts insane. So, Lucas licenses out Indiana Jones novels and comics and young adventures. Combined, Indy has found Noah’s Ark, the Shroud of Turin, Excalibur, and for all we know he broke into Kaaba at this point.
He’s found the Holy Grail on film. The HOLY GRAIL. You know why people call something ‘the Holy Grail’ of something? Because nobody can fucking find it. Indy did. With Nazis on his back. So how in the hell do you top that?
Also, we mentioned that the threat is usually contemporary to the setting and time-period, but not in terms of realistic accuracy. This is Indy. Its accurate to the adventure serials and stories of the time –
Before WWII, adventure lied in the far reaches of the world, like the wilds of India. Immediately before America’s involvement in WWII, adventure serials made by studios like Republic Pictures showed countless G-Men, cops, heroes and Rocket men fighting spies and Nazi agents. To keep true to that tradition, and to accept that Harrison Ford no longer looks like he’s 38, they had to move the time period forward.
Now, we’ll grant they could have executed it better. Personally, I’m dying to read the script that Frank Darabont wrote that had Spielberg and Ford interested, but Lucas shot down… because Lucas is fuck nuts crazy these days, and Darabont is an amazing storyteller. My point about aliens being in the movie is best summed up by Colin Miller of the Kingston Guardian.co.uk –
“Melting Nazis with an ancient mythical artefact is okay, but extra-terrestrials are not. Finding the holy grail that is guarded by an ancient Knight is acceptable, but finding alien skulls in South America isn’t.
The Indiana Jones series is all about extremities and no matter how close you hold the original films to your heart, they are not meant to be taken seriously.”
In The End, The Movie You Love Is the One that was Fun To Watch…
Movies can be flawed for all sorts of different reasons, to each person. Some times, its not what we expected or hoped for. Sometimes it’s just fucking terrible.
Some times, a movie isn’t meant to be a deep examination of the psyche or the soul. Sometimes it’s only about a fun adventure. That’s what Indiana Jones has always represented. At the risk of suggesting that some of the vitriol is related to the fact that some geeks have to accept that they’re getting older and so are their franchise favorites. Others were expecting an apotheosis of the series.
No movie can guarantee that its greater than its predecessors. All it can promise is a fun time at the movies. No more, no less. Maybe its not your kind of movie – but you’ve got a lot to choose from.
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is definitely a flawed movie. But that doesn’t make it the worst movie of all time or even a raping of the character (AHEM <Raping would be completely changing the originals and not allowing the unchanged originals to be released>COUGH).
Returning to Colin Miller of the Guardian, one half of the movie feels like an Indy movie well directed by Spielberg but maybe needing some script work. The second half feels like a George Lucas shit-storm of CGI and scriptlessness and SWINGING WITH FUCKING MONKEYS.
But the most important thing is – ‘Was it fun?’ We can turn our geek logic sensors off when it comes to things like The Re-Animator, or The Dark Knight, but not for a movie that only wants to be a fun adventure romp.
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